


Constance Saves the Day

by Grey_Bard



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Light Bondage, Light d'Artagnan/Milady, Milady Does What She Wants, Poor Treville, Richeleu's life is hard, The Three Musketeers are ridiculous, Women Being Awesome, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:32:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2217585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_Bard/pseuds/Grey_Bard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something bad has happened to D'Artagnan! Who could possibly have done it? Can the Musketeers save him in time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Constance Saves the Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Seanchai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seanchai/gifts), [Elspethdixon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elspethdixon/gifts).



> This fic is intentionally ridiculous and dumb, just for laughs, as part of the Bad Bang challenge.

Captain Treville was in his office when three of the four musketeers burst in the door.

"D'Artagnan's been taken!" barked Athos, waving a note on parchment. "It has to be Milady and Richelieu!"

"Send us after him!" said Porthos.

"If I find out you knew anything about this..." snarled Aramis.

"Gentlemen, aren't you rushing to conclusions?" asked Captain Treville, leaning back in his chair. "Shouldn't you consider other options? For example, the Spanish or the perfidious British?"

The musketeers all looked to each other and then back at Captain in confusion and disgust.

"Don't be a fool!" said Athos, speaking for all three sworn brothers, "It's always Milady and Richelieu. Who else could it be?"

Captain Treville sighed. "I can't endorse any action against them without some kind of proof. Perhaps you would like to find some proof?"

"We don't have time for your petty political games!" exclaimed hot-blooded Aramis. "D'Artagnan is in their fiendish clutches!"

"Look, gentlemen," said Captain Treville, burying his head in his hands, "Just go, do as you will and tell me nothing. I will pretend this never happened, and you will bear whatever consequences come."

"You'll regret this," said Athos, and then they all stormed out.

***{==========>

"Constance," asked Aramis, who was always much calmer and smarter when he wasn't around Captain Treville, "Could you let us look at D'Artagnan's things? It's nothing, really, but we think he may possibly have been kidnapped. Nothing to worry about, but we would appreciate..."

Constance turned away from poking the wood in the fire under the stew pot. "Did you just say D'Artagnan was kidnapped? What do you mean nothing to worry about!"

The musketeer backed away from the angry woman. "It's really nothing to concern yourself with. He might be off with a woman! He might have gotten lost! We are three grown men and king's musketeers, I am sure we can handle it easily without bothering you at all."

Constance waved her fire poker around, angrily. Aramis backed up another step. "If you could handle it without bothering me, why are you bothering me? Hmm?"

"Well, yes, bothering you a little, but really, there's no reason for you to come along!" Aramis said.

She sighed. "Without D'Artagnan, you've lost half of your functioning brain. I'd say a quarter, but honestly, you've met Athos and Porthos. There's no help for it, I'm coming. We must rescue that boy."

***{==========>

The musketeers, wearing little black masks cut out of black scarves swung into Richelieu's window on ropes from the roof. Aramis, who was sneakier, crept up behind the sleeping Cardinal, grabbed his hair, and woke him up with a knife at his throat. Athos and Porthos held their swords on him and snarled.

"Isn't this exciting," said Richelieu. "I take it you are not Porthos or Athos, just suspiciously reminiscent brigands?"

"Maybe," said Athos, "Tell me where you took D'Artagnan!"

Richelieu sighed. "I have no reason to take your little sidekick this week," he said. "Perhaps Milady is amusing herself? Honestly, I can't keep track of the woman."

"You'd better hope that's true," said Porthos, glowering.

"We'll be watching you!" said Aramis.

"Gentlemen, time to go!" said Athos.

***{==========>

As the three musketeers reached the servants' gate of Milady's townhouse/underground vaulted basement lair, they saw a woman's cloaked figure before them in the evening fog. 

"Show yourself, Milady!" shouted Athos.

The hooded figure turned. "Honestly," said Constance, "You really do need D'Artagnan, don't you?"

"But how did you know to meet us here?" asked Aramis. "We only just found out it wasn't Richelieu."

Constance rolled her eyes. "I asked the servants, you fools. A nice cake will get you anything. Now, let's go fetch him."

All four of D'Artagnan's friends snuck into the house and down into the basement lair. D'Artagnan was stripped down to his drawers and strapped to a wall spread-eagled.

"Let go of him, you fiend!" said Constance, waving her little ladies pistol about.

"Hi, Constance!" said D'Artagnan, "It's all right, I swear, Milady says she has resolved to reform!"

"It's true," said Milady, in an awful smarmy tone of voice. Athos looked both angry and smitten."This is just a bit of fun."

"If that's true, you won't mind uncuffing him," said Constance.

"Fine, I was going to have a little fun with him and then sell him to a slave ship. I'm sure he's pretty enough to be worth at least a couple horses," admitted Milady.

"Hey!" exclaimed D'Artagnan, "I thought you had changed!"

"Not this time," said Milady. "Guards!" she yelled, and some guards popped out of the corridor, swords at the ready.

Athos, Porthos and Aramis each dueled a different guard and halfway through, switched. Constance kept trying to find a clean shot at Milady without hitting any of her friends, but when she did fire, it only hit a wall. When it became clear that her men would lose the swordfight, Milady shrugged.

"I suppose it's time for a relaxing week or two at the Cardinal's country chateau. Au revoir!" said Milady, and then she ran away.

"Surrender, and I'll make you all a nice bit of pot au feu. Wouldn't that be nice?" said Constance to the guards, so they did. 

"I feel so betrayed," moaned D'Artagnan.

"Join the club," said Athos.

"Let's go home," said Constance, so they did.

***{==========>

THE END!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Constance Saves the Day - Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2241540) by [shineontildawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shineontildawn/pseuds/shineontildawn)




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